Letters from Lisa

And then, as I was hearing Dianna recount her year off of ministry, she said the thing that pinched a nerve deep down:

"After years of the constant affirmation I received from peers, staff, and leadership roles, I thought I was on the guaranteed track for full time staff, no question about it. When you're a leader, and then an intern, especially at ucla, something about that title, no matter how secure you think you are in your identity, something about that title gives you a sense of deep value and importance. So when I stepped down from intervarsity leadership, I felt that what it really meant was, 'you're a loser, you're a failure. You aren't good enough to be on staff. You FAILED.!"

Until that moment, I knew there was something deep inside of me that has been hurting, but I couldn't really describe what it was or how I was feeling. But when those words came out of her mouth, I knew that that was it.

I

feel like

a failure.

Short and simple.

Now whether this is actually true and whether people actually think this of me is besides the point. It's a question of inner value. No matter how many times I have been told that this time off is not because I didn't do enough or that I am not healed enough or that there is something wrong with me, it doesn't shake the sense of condemnation and rejection that inevitably comes when you are asked to take time off of ministry. The statement, "your healing has been going so well that we think its best to stay on that track and only do what you're doing now" is hard to take at face value. I have to fight to convince myself that it isn't an excuse for other things.

Because yes, I have experienced a great amount of healing in this time, in more ways and on more levels than I expected. But for me, I thought that would be grounds for letting me come back into ministry, instead of the very reason to keep me from it. I still don't understand.

All I can do is choose to trust that God will somehow use this situation for good.

So where does this leave me? Am I sad? Yes. Do I wake up and cry a lot during the week? Yep.
But am I without hope? To that, I have to choose to say no.

My reality right now is that I have been completely stripped of everything. Friends, mentors, community, my internship, every sense of security, familiarity, affirmation and joy. It has all been taken. All of it. And it is extremely hard.

But I am starting to see, that in this hell, in this place that I'm in, is the very place where I can find real intimacy and value in Jesus. Because really, I have no where else to turn.

I don't have students or staff or structures or titles to tell me I'm great or valuable. So I have no choice but to look to Jesus and ask, do you still love me? Am I still worth anything? Am I a failure in your eyes?

I don't have the comfort or support of community around me 24-7 to fill the voids that still remain in my soul. And so I have no choice but to come to Jesus and ask him to be my companion and comforter and fill the holes in my heart in the midst of utter loneliness.

I don't have the sense of security in knowing that I am _(insert title)_. I'm not an intern, I'm not a student, I'm not on my way to a graduate degree, I don't have a plan right now. I don't know who the hell I am. And so I have no choice but to look to Jesus and have him fill in the blank. To receive his words of affirmation and identity and have it actually mean something this time. When you already have a title and let that define you, any identity given from God (child, beloved, daughter,..you know the list), really doesn't sink in at all. Those names from God are all good and fine as long as you've got that other fancy, worldly title to put in your portfolio. But once that's gone, you start to see if you really ever clung to God's identity for you in the first place. In my case, I have not. And so, now, with nothing left, I am desperate for God's affirmation in my life.

So, in summary, I am in the best and worst place right now. It's unlike anything I have gone through before. And it continues to be an emotional roller coaster.

All I can do is trust, in the smallest way that I can, that this time is not a waste. That God will use this time for good. That it is preparation for something better.

I have a passion and desire for ministry. And I can see how this time will help me to be much more firmly grounded in Jesus' love and presence in my life, in order to be a better minister and leader. I do believe God will satisfy the passions in my heart that he has aroused, but for now, in this season of healing, it seems that it has to be put on hold.

Is ministry in my future? I think so. Will it be with Intervarsity? That, I can't really say. I have been invited to apply next fall for full time staff, and I believe I will apply unless God points me in another direction. But whether I do or don't come on staff, one thing is very clear to me. My value and my hope for the future cannot be grounded on that decision. God is God and will continue to be God whether I'm in intervarsity or not. The question is whether I believe He will be good to me and will bring me good things no matter what happens next year. Am I there yet? Nope. Not at all. I am a scared little girl that's afraid her whole world is gonna fall apart. But right now, I am constantly needing to ask God to teach me how to trust him in this desolate, directionless place I am in.

All I can do is wait and hope that he will.