Love

Last night I got a glimpse of God's love for me in the midst of this dark valley.

It's been so long since I've felt it, or...let myself feel it, to be more accurate.

I went to church with my friend last night, and on the drive back I could barely hold up a conversation because of the sinking feeling that was building inside of me as I thought of what I would have to do in a few hours.

We talked it out. I didn't want to tell all my leaders that I wouldn't get to be with them for a quarter. I didn't want to see the surprise and disappointment in their faces. I didn't want to say it out loud because I knew it would make it feel all the more real. But it had to be done.

My friend sympathized and prayed for me. She even walked me to the front door of the apartment where all my leaders were waiting.

So I went in, gathered some courage, waited until it was time (I had gotten there too early), and I told them. They were understanding and sympathetic. I was grateful and saddened.

As I walked down the stairs and out of the apartment, I choked back tears and told myself that it wasn't the time to cry, because I would have to go back to my new apartment full of people I just met and I didn't want to cause a scene. It's hard to take solace in strangers.

But when I reached the bottom of the stairs, my friend was still there, waiting for me to come out. It had been a good 40 minutes since I had left her, and it had begun to drizzle a little outside.

I looked at her in shock and in the tightness of my throat I managed to utter, "what...are you...still doing here?"

My friend looked at me with a kind smile and said, "I didn't want you to have to walk away from this by yourself. I'm here for you. And I think God wants you to know that you're not alone."

At that moment, I broke down and wept right there on the front steps. Partly because of the sadness I have been feeling the whole time but mostly because I was overwhelmed by this act of kindness.

My friend let me sit in her nearby apartment and just cry. She sat with me and handed me tissues and sympathized. Then when I was done, she walked me home, as she had intended to the whole time.

Who waits in the cold for 40 minutes to walk someone a block home?? Yet, it seemed that God knew that I would need someone to be there for me in that moment. Someone who would let me cry and mourn and just be there with me.

That, is love. It's the kind of love I haven't felt for a while. Selfless and unadulterated. That's what's different about the love of God. It leaves you hopeful and comforted, instead of defiled and wanting.

I have forgotten what that feels like. Its a good feeling.

Did it reach the depth of my soul and drive out all the darkness? No. Ha, that would be nice.

But I think it gave me a small glimpse of what is waiting for me. There is a Love that God wants to offer. It's pure. It's freely given. It can fill.

It gives me hope in this darkness. Something to hold on to.