Waiting

Sometimes I don't understand God. Well no, let's be honest.  Most of the time I don't understand God. 

I know God is initiating healing in my life. I know he wants it for me. I want it for me too. But right now, it seems like there are some pretty big roadblocks in the way of that path. And most of them have come out of nowhere recently. And honestly, I feel like God could have easily taken them away. 

So what's the deal God? Why all the curveballs? As if it wasn't hard enough already. 

If anything, I guess the obstacles have been making me increasingly aware day by day how helpless I am without God. It really does feel impossible most of the time. Habitual sins that I know stem from my past...try as I may they never go away. My tendency to go to anything but God for comfort and acceptance. I have recognized it in myself for so long but I feel paralyzed when I try to separate myself from these things. The scared girl inside me that drives these motivations clings to them pretty desperately. I know quite well what I am up against. 

For these reasons, I am actually looking forward to counseling. It sent me home crying last time but it was one of those good cries where you know important things are being unearthed. "You're a therapy virgin. This will be good," says my counselor. Interesting woman. I like her already. 

Anyway, I don't really feel the need to end this entry with any sort of resolve. Because there really is none right now. All I can say right now is that I need Jesus to come and fix this train wreck. I do believe there will be resolve. But for now, I think its important to simply be honest. I am not healed yet in many ways. So I am left to wait and hope.