I want so deeply

to be whole.

But not for the same reasons as before.

Not to be well enough to re-enter a friendship. That desire has long since died and has been put in its right perspective.

Not to be "good enough" to re-enter a fellowship. I'm learning to look forward instead of backwards. And seeing that God will place me where I need to be, when I need to be. And that I am already good enough.

Not to show anyone that I am worth more than what I once sold myself for. Or to prove that I'm better. There is nothing I need to prove. To anyone.



I want to be whole

for me. And for the things to come.

For a husband who will want all of my heart and not just the parts that haven't been tainted.

For children who will look to their mother as a reflection of their Greater parent. Broken or whole, they will see Him through me.

For the joy of pouring myself out when there is something deep and good and secure inside to give.

For deeper communion with Jesus as he pieces me back together and makes my heart stronger and new.

For a more balanced, more full, more satisfying life that comes not because of outward circumstance, but because of inner peace and joy despite the circumstance.


I want to be whole. I am being made whole.

And I suspect part of that is a shifting of these desires.