I Guess I Should Brace Myself

"It's gonna get worse before it gets better Lisa."

I swear I have heard this about eight times in the last two weeks from people around me.

It's hard to ignore when this exact same phrase keeps getting repeated by friends, family, and counselors, all independent of one another.

Okay God, I get it. It's gonna get worse. I'll prepare myself.

But dang, how much worse can it get?

Well...actually I could see things getting worse in terms of feeling pain and suffering. I'm only feeling the surface level suffering right now. It's when you get to the root of things that the real pain is felt. Man, I worked so hard to never have to feel that kind of pain again. But I'm quickly realizing that its the only road to healing. And I refuse to be sick forever. It's not a fun way to live life.

So I guess it's time to brace myself for the real storm.

But hey, that's only half the promise. It will get worse. But then it will get better.

And honestly, in the scope of my life, I have been through WAY worse. Not that right now isn't a trying time. Believe me, it is.

But for a girl that has gotten through several deaths of loved ones, family illness, abuse (and the list goes on), this doesn't seem like the worst thing to have ever happened to me.

However, the actual dealing with things has to look different this time. When people hear of my past, a common response has been, "wow Lisa, you are a strong woman." But the truth of the matter is, I'm not strong at all. I'm the weakest person I know. When hard times came, I didn't face what was in front of me like the "strong woman" people perceive me to be. Instead, I curled in a ball and shut my eyes and pretended like nothing was happening until the trauma had passed. It's all I knew how to do.

I am not a strong woman. But I'm not a runaway anymore either. I'm going to face the problems even in my weakest state. Because I don't have to be strong. God promises to be that for me.

So okay God, when it's time, bring on the storm. But don't leave me to sustain it alone. I'm not a strong woman without you.

"My strength is made perfect in weakness." Well, we will soon see if that is in fact true. If I have any chance of weathering the storm, it really needs to be true...