Disappointment

Every day I am more aware of the consequences of my decisions. They are farther reaching than I ever would have imagined and it kills me to know how many people I have hurt and let down. I don't think I have ever been this disappointed in myself. Ever.

My mind plays over and over the thoughts I fear are going on in people's heads. I thought you were better than this Lisa. I thought you were wiser. I thought you were more disciplined. Where is your integrity? Where is your self control? This is not the Lisa I thought I knew. You really messed this one up.

Maybe these are only my own criticisms. I can only hope that people have more grace and understanding since right now its hard to have it for myself. I'm trying. But its damn hard.

Know that I'm the same Lisa as I always was. You're just seeing the deeper broken parts of me that have always been there but that have now risen to the surface for all to see. There is a good side and an ugly side and right now well, you're seeing the ugliest, dirtiest parts of me. I feel naked and exposed to the very core.

Knowing the reality that we are all broken and there is forgiveness is comforting. I need to hear daily that God forgives me and will redeem me. However, it does not take away the sting of my pride being shattered and realizing the impact of my mistakes.

I will certainly enter this year extremely humble and keenly aware of my need for God...

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Yet God's word still speaks and comforts:

Psalm 103

Praise the LORD, O my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.

² Praise the LORD, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits-

³ who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases,

⁴ who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion,

⁵ who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

⁶ The LORD works righteousness
and justice for all the oppressed.

⁷ He made known his ways to Moses,
his deeds to the people of Israel:

⁸ The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.

⁹ He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;

¹⁰ he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities.

¹¹ For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him;

¹² as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

¹³ As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;

¹⁴ for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust.